My sister died on my birthday

Eight years ago, my beautiful sister died from brain cancer. It was a tragic and devastating loss and it shaped both my life and my life’s purpose in so many ways. The fact that she died on my birthday brought with it some practical considerations and because I know this scenario is more common than we might think, I thought I would share a little bit about what it has meant for me.

Hours after my sister’s death, while we were still drafting the message that would be shared with family and friends to let them know, I started receiving messages from people on my phone and on social media, wishing me a happy birthday. That’s when it first dawned on me that people were going to send their birthday wishes to me while I was in the very early hours of grief. It was a jarring and uncomfortable feeling for me, as I didn't want to be sitting with anything other than the reality that my sister had just died.

Once our family’s announcement about my sister’s death had been made, the birthday messages stopped and I didn’t need to deal with anyone else trying to bring birthday cheer to such a sad day. I was able to focus on spending time with my family as we began to prepare for my sister’s funeral. At that time, there was no decision for me to make about how or when I would celebrate my birthday as I simply skipped it altogether.

It wasn’t until a year later, as we approached the anniversary of my sister’s death, that I realised I needed to make a decision. Would I still celebrate my birthday? Would I cancel my birthday? Or would I move my birthday to another date? I’ll share with you what I decided to do, but please know that if you are going through a similar experience, I’m not at all advising you about what you should do. You need to decide what is best for you. Many people end up experiencing a clash of dates... their loved one dies on Christmas day, someone’s birthday or an anniversary and this can bring up conflicting emotions and logistical considerations.

For me, I felt very strongly that the anniversary of my sister's death would always be a day of remembering and honouring her. I wanted to create space for the whole day to be about my sister and tending to my own grief of course. I did want to continue celebrating my birthday, but just not on that day. So I “moved my birthday” to 10 days later and I’ve enjoyed my birthday celebrations on that day ever since.

Of course, I needed to communicate my decision to family and friends. I shared a message about my decision on my Facebook page and those who saw that message were very understanding and supportive. For the first couple of years, I still received birthday wishes on my actual birthday from people who hadn’t seen my communication about my decision or forgot about me moving my birthday. I gently shared with them or reminded them about the new date on which I celebrate my birthday. To this day, I continue to spend the anniversary of my sister’s death remembering and honouring her, as this is what felt comfortable and meaningful for me.

So that’s the logistical component, and of course, there are other layers to what happened. There is strong anecdotal evidence from hospice nurses that the person who is dying often seems to choose the day they die, holding on until a particular date passes or arrives. I'll never know if that's what happened with my sister. Perhaps she was waiting for her own birthday (which was to be a week later). Perhaps the date on which she died was completely random. However, for me, it doesn't feel random. My sister dying on my birthday feels significant and special to me in a way that I've come to appreciate and value. It's a lasting connection between us that will always exist and I love that.

So, if you're someone who has a loved one's death anniversary coinciding with a birthday or anniversary of your own, my invitation is for you to work out what you actually need on that day, how you would like to spend it and then communicate that to the people around you. This also applies to death anniversaries in general, even when there isn't a coinciding occasion.

For me, I’ve learnt over the years that I need to allow time and space for the whole day on my sister’s death anniversary. Not just the morning, not just until I’ve had my big messy cry, nope... I need the whole day. I will often feel the day approaching in my body and nervous system and a part of this day involves caring for myself, tending to my grief and meeting my personal needs. Typically, I will visit the beach because that is the physical location where I feel most connected to my sister. She loved the beach and me being there is one of the ways I care for my nervous system, so this aligns beautifully.

So what do I mean about taking the whole day? There have been times over the years when I’ve said yes to a commitment or a social event that fell on that day, against my inner guidance. I told myself that I would be fine and then realised that I was pressuring myself to show up socially on a day when I really needed to give myself permission to just be. It's not too much to need to take space on these emotional days. There is something about my energy on that day that calls me inwards so I have learnt to keep my sister’s death anniversary as a day that is dedicated to honouring her and my grief. Then, ten days later, I fully celebrate my birthday with joy and gratitude. I do not take it for granted that I get to celebrate another birthday, as I have the opportunity to enjoy the years that she sadly didn’t get to experience herself. I just wish she was still here to celebrate with me. Michelle xx